


Be and End All

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Multi, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:41:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4298151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Y/N) is an agent of the new SHIELD. Her job is to work with cases of PTSD and other related trauma. She is assigned the task of helping Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes regain his memories and get past what happened to him with HYDRA. He learns to trusts her, but trust can be a dangerous thing- even with the best intentions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not an Animal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Bucky fic I've had in my head for a few weeks now, and I've decided to put in into words! Let me know what you think! (I really, really love to see your comments; it lets me know how you guys are liking the story!

If you had told (Y/N) when she joined SHIELD that one day it would fall and people she loved would die, she would have laughed. If you told her that she would be taken hostage and experimented on because she tried to defend herself from HYDRA the day it all ended, she would have told you to quit joking around. If you had told her she would be saved by the person she was supposed to be saving, she wouldn't have believed you. But people change. Things change. Times change. And times certainly had started to change. When exactly the world was plunged into hell is arguable. Some blame the discovery of Captain America in the ice, others the Chitauri. Though some still weren't sure if any one person was to blame. That's where (Y/N) stood. She wasn't sure who to believe or blame- how could put such a blame on someone? It wasn't fair. When SHIELD fell, however, it became apparent _she_ was to blame. Everyone was. It was her fault. It was SHIELD's fault. She had assisted with the state of the world. Everyone she knew, everyone she worked with. It was _their_ faults. How could you recover from something like that? Was redemption possible?

"No, I'm sorry, but no! That's not my area of expertise. I'm not much an expert on reversing effects of amnesia, Steve! I deal with PTSD- I helped you when you came out of the ice, but you hadn't forgotten what your damn name was!" Captain Steven Rogers had sought her out for a very important mission. _The_ mission. He didn't know where to turn- he couldn't trust most anyone with it. The matter was fragile, threatening to break with the slightest change in wind. He needed her to assist him with James Barnes. To help bring out the old James- the old Bucky. Or at least what was left of him, no matter how miniscule. But (Y/N) couldn't do it. It would be hopeless for her to try. 

"Please, (Y/N). I don't know who else to trust with this. -Sam is great but he has other duties, things he needs to do for the Avengers.. And- and I'm not sure Buck trusts him. He barely trusts me- but I really think you'd be able to get through to him. Look, I've seen what you can do. Not just with your power, I knew you before then, you have an effect on people. A positive effect- they listen to you. You see things in people, the good in them, (Y/N). That's what I need. That's what Bucky needs. He needs someone to see the good in him so he can see it for himself. All I'm askin' is that you try. Please. If not for him then for me." She couldn't remember a time she'd seen Steve so desperate before. Not in all the years she'd known the Captain. She didn't think herself capable of helping him, not in the way he needed her to. But didn't she owe it to him to try? Owe it to James? 

A heavy sigh left (Y/N)'s lips. She didn't know what she could do. "Fine. I will not make any promises, Steve, but I'll see what I can do to help you both. At least once. I'll go with you to see him and attempt to talk to him." 

Steve felt relief for the first time since finding his friend and convincing him to come back to SHIELD with him. There was a sliver of hope for Bucky. For their friendship. He could possibly get his friend back. His friend could possibly find _peace_ with himself. With (Y/N)'s help it was possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three days after (Y/N) and Steve's exchange, the SHIELD agent was flown from her home just outside of Brighton to the new Avengers Facility. Steve and Fury had been waiting for her. 

"Director Fury. Captain Rogers," (Y/N) nodded to them both in greeting. 

"No need for formalities, Agent (Y/L/N), you know your assignment here. Captain Rogers is in charge of you," Director Fury stated simply. He was correct in his statement; there was no need for formalities. The three of them knew why she was here, what was expected of her, and what she could expect from James.

What she could expect from James was.... well, the unexpected. He was rash. Acted without reason. He had caused so much damage to one lab it had to be put under repair for more than two weeks. James- luckily- had been kept away from any agents in the building, he was only allowed contact with a small handful of the Avengers. That was it. And then she came. 

Steve had informed Bucky that she would be coming to help him. _Help him, more like handle him._ He was being assigned a handler, just like with HYDRA. Someone down his throat every minute of everyday to make sure he was behaving. _Like a fucking dog._ Bucky wasn't going to let them control him. Not again. 

(Y/N) wasn't sure she was ready to meet James; the infamous Winter Soldier. In fact, she knew she wasn't ready. Sure she had a "calming effect" on people thanks to her time at the lovely casa de HYDRA, but would that really work with him? She didn't want to alter his mind in any way. She wanted to earn his full trust- no gimmicks involved unless absolutely necessary. (Y/N) hoped it wouldn't be necessary. She was regretting agreeing to helping James before she had even met the man. That certainly wasn't a good sign. 

Steve seemed to sense her concern as they walked to the room James was in. "(Y/N), don't worry. Just remember what I told you and stay aware of him and you'll be fine. I'm going to be in there, too. So nothing's gonna happen to you," Steve was attempting to soothe her nerves with that little bit of information. It helped, slightly. But slight help was more than enough. "Are you ready?" 

With a definite nod of her head, Steve and (Y/N) entered. James was sitting on a chair in the corner, head in his hands. Sam Wilson sat on the couch opposite of him, glancing up from his book every few seconds. _Poor man looks homeless_ (Y/N) thought to herself. Steve cleared his throat. James's head snapped up to look at him. His cold, blue eyes darted over to (Y/N) and stayed there as if analyzing her. "Hello, I'm Agent (Y/L/N). But you can just call me (Y/N)" She introduced herself in a casual and friendly manner, hoping that she would come across as just that- a friend. 

(Y/N) and James both watched Steve as he went over to say 'hello' to James in Sam in a more familiar manner. "Buck, Sam, this is who I was telling you about. She's here to help you," Steve lightly patted his friend- Bucky- on the back. (Y/N) smiled lightly in the boys' direction. 

"I don't need another fucking handler, Rogers," James grunted, slapping his friend's hand off of his shoulder with his flesh hand. The metal hand was concealed in the pocket of the hoodie James wore. 

"She's just here to help you, Man. It's her job to be a sort of handler," Sam was trying to diffuse what could have easily turned into a hostile situation. James didn't look convinced as he was now glaring daggers in (Y/N)'s direction. He loathed the woman standing before him without ever directly speaking to her. 

"Buck, please-" Steve was worried about his friend's aggressive outburst. He had been so open to getting help when they first talked about it. James was out of his seat and stalking towards (Y/N). _Well shit.._

(Y/N) held her hands up as if in surrender. "I'm not your handler, James. You don't need one. You're not an animal. No one is here to control you or make you do something against your will," James had stopped moving and was now standing in front of her with a perplexed expression on his normally stony face; She gently extended one arm and lightly cupped his cheek with her delicate hand, "we're your friends. It's going to be alright but I'm going to need you to trust me. To trust Steve. I just want to help you, will you let me?" James lightly nodded, not moving away from her soothing touch. Steve and Sam could not believe the scene in front of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapter was short. I just wanna see if there is any interest in it being continued before I put too much into it. Feedback is always appreciated <3


	2. A Lesson Learned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who commented, left kudos, and bookmarked! I appreciate it a lot <3

"Shit, fuck asshole motherfucking asswipe! Ugggh!" (Y/N) was frustrated. No, frustrated didn't begin to cover the emotion she felt. It was tiring, it was repetitive. It was tedious. _Completely pointless... Why did I get myself into this_

"Somethin' wrong?" James- he hadn't told (Y/N) it was okay to call him anything else, she never tried- cocked an eyebrow at the Agent. It wasn't like her to make such colorful outbursts. In the few weeks he'd know (Y/N) he had learned many things about her. None of them were too 'exciting'. She talked a lot, but would stop if he asked her to. She was honest and didn't treat him like he was made of glass. They had established a sense of trust- _no, not trust. **understanding**_ . There was a mutual understanding that they had developed in a remarkably short amount of time.

(Y/N) looked up from her phone, her lips pursed. "I died again. This goddamn game is- is- it's frustrating!" 

"I thought you were supposed to be working, (Y/L/N)." He still didn't fully understand her. Why she could get so flustered from a simple _phone game_ , he couldn't tell. 

"I am working, James. You're sitting next to me, aren't you? We're talking. We've gone through the little 'mind games' they believe are beneficial to you- still personally think they think you're incapable of basic functions. You're my work. As long as you're okay, then I'm doing my job." (Y/N) had been wrong with her first assumptions that James was suffering severe amnesia. After the events in D.C., he had retained at least the basics. He was James Buchanan Barnes. Steve Rogers was his best friend. He was used as HYDRA's plaything. Details, however, he was lacking. Specific details. Miniscule things. Most of which probably would never be recovered. It was (Y/N)'s goal to help him recover what he could and adapt to his new life. He was adapting well. Technology wasn't much of a problem- Like Steve he expressed great understanding of even some of SHIELD's more complex computers systems. 

"By working do you mean 'waiting to sedate me if I become too hostile'," James grunted. He watched her closely as she moved to sit next to him on the couch in his living area. She sat on the seat next to him, but still far away enough that he wasn't uncomfortable with their close proximity. He appreciated that she always seemed to give him his space, not trying to crowd him. 

"Oh course not. You know _I_ could never sedate you. That would be a job for Cap. You're far too strong for me to take down," (Y/N) tried to slip in a joke when she could. Even if he didn't notice- or elected to ignore it- she still felt it was important to be constantly friendly. It was part of her job, yes, but she wanted him to consider her a friend. Maybe one day. There were more important things for her to be focusing on. 

James was not amused by her little joke. She littered almost every other sentence with those attempts at humor... It didn't _always_ bother him, though. He looked at (Y/N) from the corner of his eyes. She was staring at him. At the _thing_ attached to him. _She was always fucking staring at it._

(Y/N) noticed something had seemed to agitate the ex-assassin. _Shit, I stared at his arm again.. Didn't I?_. (Y/N) looked away quickly, hoping not to annoy him further. She knew it was a very, very terrible habit she had picked up, but she couldn't help it. His prosthetic was fascinating. (Y/N) wished nothing more than to find out every single tiny detail. James would never allow it. He _loathed_ it; never even let anyone see it. Most of the time he wore a large hoodie to be certain he arm could be concealed at all times. It was partially the fault of the the scientists and engineers at the new SHIELD. They'd been nagging James to let them study his arm. For _science_ as if that was supposed to some how comfort him. (Y/N) and Steve refused their requests. 

Steve had informed (Y/N) when she first arrived that they had found James attempting to rip off his arm. He wanted it gone. The thing he used to kill so many people, to ruin so many lives... He almost killed his best friend with the damn thing. He couldn't stand the sight of it. The damage he had successfully inflicted on himself had given SHIELD no choice but to make repairs to his arm (and remove the tracker HYDRA had installed in it).They had gotten a brief scan of the metal appendage, but that was all they could manage before James had an episode and almost destroyed the entire lab. That was one of the many reasons why Steve and (Y/N) forbade them from doing any more tests or scans unless absolutely necessary. 

Upon hearing the door opening James looked away from (Y/N) and she looked up from her phone. Natasha Romanoff entered the room looking determined. "Barnes, Cap needs you down in the lab." 

James tensed beside (Y/N). "Why? He isn't scheduled for anything today," she briefly checked the calender on her phone, "he's not scheduled for any sort of appointment until next week." 

Natasha shook her head slightly. "I don't know what for. I was told to come get Barnes." ,

James stood up, (Y/N) did too. "Sit down, I can go down to the lab with Nat. Steve'll be down there," he looked directly into her eyes as he spoke, his tone firm.

"James, I don't think you shou-" 

"He'll be in good hands, (Y/N)." Natasha cut her off before she could fully protest. 

(Y/N) didn't think it wise to have James go down to the lab when she wasn't aware of what was going on. But she couldn't stop him, and Natasha meant business. 

"Alright, alright. I'm not your mum, James," (Y/N) sat back down and allowed Natasha to escort James out of the room. She still felt uneasy with her gut, but she was probably just being silly. Her almost maternal instinct to keep James safe was being paranoid. She rolled her eyes to herself, and laid down across the couch. If James was going to be busy she was going to take a nap. 

It took a matter of minutes for (Y/N) name to doze off. 

**She was falling. Falling. Falling into oblivion. Her mind, her body, her everything was numb. Though her eyes were open she saw nothing. Nothing but darkness. Voices. There were voices. _So many voices._ They were speaking about her; to her; for her. _Still falling... end this please. I need answers. I need this to stop..._ Light. There was light now. A tiny speck in the darkness. It called out to her as it expanded. It expanded until there was no sign of the darkness. It engulfed her. **

**Everything was white now. Blindingly so. _No.. no that's not right... I-I'm in a room. It looks... looks like a hospital... How did I get here..?_ It had just now occurred to her that she didn't know where she was... or _who_ she was. Her body was still numb. _No.. Not numb._ She was in agony.. It felt as though someone had set her nerve endings on fire. **

****__****

**"H-hel- help me.. p-ple-please," she choked out. To anyone. Anything. Death. Nothing made sense. _Who am I? Where am I? How did I get here? ... Who am I? Where am I? How did I get here..?_ **

**"Tsk, tsk, tsk. We've been over this, (Y/N). The more you fight it the worse it is going to get. Embrace the pain. Let it flow through your veins. And know, when it's all over, you'll be a superior version of your former self; a member of the next generation of superhumans. Now sleep, little one... Shhh... That's it..."**

(Y/N) awoke with a loud scream. She was covered in a light sheen of cold sweat, panting. Memories from her time at HYDRA had a tendency to surface in her sleep. At least, she assumed they were memories.. it was near impossible to tell the memories from the nightmares. Not that it mattered much in the end, they were both equally terrifying. 

On this particular day (Y/N) didn't have time to pick apart her dream, Steve had bust through the door. "(Y/N), I need your help immediately down in the lab. Buck- he's having another episode. Do you think you could, _calm him down?_ " He was asking her to use her power to get him to calm down. She had promised James she would stay out of his head after their first meeting. But this was an emergency- or would most likely result in one- so she decided James would have to forgive her. 

"If you can get him still enough for me to touch him than I can see what I can do- I have to physically touch someone for it to have any real effect," she had already stood up and pushed the dream to the back of her mind. She'd focus on it later, James needed her help now. 

(Y/N) and Steve rushed down and into the lab where James was. He was propped up on an examination table, eyes blown wide, nostrils flared. It took (Y/N) a moment to realize Steve's urgency. His ragged breath, the sweat covering his bare chest, the unconscious agent by the table.. They had tried to study his damn arm again, and had neglected to tell her. She was going to give it to whomever was responsible for this. 

"пошел на хуй," James spat through gritted teeth. He looked ready to pounce on the next person who dare come near him. "Я убью тебя." 

"Bucky, no one here is going to hurt you. We didn't have a choice but to preform maintenance on your arm. It's been malfunctioning for a week now," Steve's calm, yet authoritative, voice spoke. 

"Ты врешь!" James' fists clenched. 

"No one is lying to you, Barnes," Natasha sounded as composed as ever. She was distracting Barnes so (Y/N) could get to him. 

(Y/N) had tried to sneak up on James. Why she believed that to be a good idea could be blamed on the heat of the moment. The second she was in range, James swung his metal arm back and it collided painfully with her nose. A loud _crack_ sounded throughout the room when the metal contacted flesh and bone. 

"Oh, fuck me!" (Y/N) groaned clutching at her bleeding nose. Her vision was clouded with spots. "James, please, please calm down." Talking was increasingly more difficult with the blood from her nose now dripping down her face. 

"Глупый шлюха," James glared at (Y/N), a small, triumphant smirk playing at the corner of his lips. 

"Bucky- please-" (Y/N) roughly slapped her hand to his face, keeping her palm pressed against his cheek. She willed him to be calm. 

James's flesh arm snaked itself around (Y/N)'s waist and tugged her closer to himself. She froze, as did most of the room. As this was occurring, however, she made sure to keep her hand on his cheek; a bit lighter of a touch than before. 

"James-" 

"Call me Bucky- I.. Liked it when you called me that," James- _Bucky_ interrupted (Y/N) to correct her. His voice sounded almost hoarse. He wouldn't make eye contact with anyone in the room. 

"Bucky... Are you... Is your head clearer now? Can you allow them to continue? I know your arm has been acting up lately, it's best if they continue. I'll stay if you'd like me to. Or I can leave you be and have Steve and Nat stay," (Y/N) stroked Bucky's cheek in a soothing matter with the pad of her thumb. 

Bucky pulled (Y/N) even closer, in a slightly painful embrace as if to answer her question. 

Ignoring the pain- and the _blood_ \- coming from her most definitely broken nose, (Y/N) sat down in his lap. She sat sideways with her legs hanging over this side of his. She dabbed some of the blood off of her face with her shirt, and looked over at Steve and Natasha; both of whom still were prepared to attack Bucky if he was in 'Winter Soldier mode'. "It's alright, he'll be fine. They-" she jabbed her thumb towards the two SHIELD scientists who looked mildly terrified in the corner, "-can continue what they were doing and you two can relax." 

It took just over an hour to complete what they needed. Bucky was tense the entire time. His eyes constantly shifted around, taking in his surroundings and attempting to stay aware at all times. (Y/N) stayed with him through the whole process, talking to him like nothing was out of the ordinary. He never responded, but appreciated it all the same. 

"Thank you for you help in there, (Y/N). I should have known something like that was bound to happen," Steve wiped a frustrated hand over his face. Bucky had retired to his room, saying something about needing sleep- it was rather late. Steve wanted to check on him, but (Y/N) had convinced him to give him some space for time being. 

"It's what I'm here for, Stevie. Maybe not the broken nose, exactly, but to help," (Y/N) grinned slightly. Her nose was, in fact, broken and had been set and bandaged up as soon as Bucky had been free to go. 

"Buck seems to trust you," He noted, looking down at the shorter agent. 

"I don't think so. I think we just have an understanding. You know? I know when he needs his space, when I should stop talking, and we just listen to each others signals- body language and such," a yawn escaped (Y/N)'s mouth at the conclusion of her sentence. "I think it's time I get some sleep myself, g'night." She patted the super solider' arm. 

"Goodnight, (Y/N)." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and let me know what you think! <3


	3. I'll Show You What it Feels Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kinda short, it's more of a filler chapter before the plot moves a bit <3

That was the first night Bucky came to (Y/N)'s room. It was half past three when she heard the knock on her door. Pausing the movie she was watching from her computer on Netflix, (Y/N) untangled herself from the mess of blankets on her bed and straightened her clothes. Whoever was at her door knocked again. "Calm yourself! I'm coming!" She yelled with a groan. Her nose was throbbing. It was the combination of that and her dream from earlier that day that left her awake at such an ungodly hour. 

"It's Bucky," a gruff voice spoke from the other side of the door. Bucky hadn't been able to sleep that night- much like most every other night. Something was different that night. He _needed_ something. Someone. Steve had been his first choice, but he felt he didn't need to worry his friend. (Y/N) was sure to understand that he simply seemed to be craving human company. 

Upon hearing who was at her door, (Y/N) rushed to open it. Bucky stood there dressed in a black t-shirt and pair of dark grey, loose fitting sweatpants. Yawning softly she asked, "Are you alright?" 

Bucky didn't respond right away, he just looked at her. It didn't appear as though he had woken her up, but she still looked tired. His eyes stopped wandering her figure and rested on her bandaged nose. Recognizing that it was an injury he had caused, a heavy feeling of guilt settled in his chest; only adding to that constant feeling. Maybe it hadn't been a good idea to come to (Y/N)'s room. Perhaps she _had_ been sleeping and he'd woken her up. It wasn't too late to turn around and go back to his own room, or possibly the training room. 

A quiet _"Bucky?"_ interrupted his rapid thoughts. His cold eyes snapped to meet her soft (Y/E/C) ones. "Can I come in?" 

(Y/N) wordlessly nodded and allowed Bucky to pass her into her very tidy living quarters, closing the door behind him. "Trouble sleeping?" 

Bucky nodded slightly. "Yes... Is your- is your nose okay?" He sat down on her small, black loveseat when she did. Both his flesh and metal hand resting on his lap.

She nodded a bit. "Yeah, it's alri-" 

"I'm sorry-" he blurted out suddenly, cutting her off mid-sentence. 

"Bucky, I've already told you it's fine. It wasn't your fault. If anything it was _my_ fault for thinking sneaking behind you was a smart idea. You didn't mean to hurt me, so there is absolutely no need to apologize. And that's final," she placed her hand over his metal one reassuringly. When he tensed at her action she took his flesh hand in her free hand. "Your hand is cold," she noted, squeezing them both with a smile. 

"Metal usually is cold, (Y/N)," he pointed out to her. She was such a calming presence to him even when she wasn't using her power of empathy. Her mindless chatter helped focus his mind on something other than HYDRA or his days as the Winter Soldier. 

"I meant your other hand, Buck. Are you cold? I think this is the first time since we've met that you aren't wearing a hoodie of some sort. Oh! I know, I've got this really fuzzy blanket. Hang on a sec!" Before Bucky could protest, (Y/N) was off of the loveseat and practically skipping to her closet on the other side of the room. Digging around in the spacious closet, she let out a triumphant 'aha!' when she retrieved the fluffy, _pink_ blanket. 

(Y/N) walked back over to the loveseat with the blanket in tow. She draped the blanket over Bucky, even tucking it underneath his chin. The sight made her giggle; an ex-assassin, Super Soldier was sitting on her loveseat with a giant pink blanket. _He looks adorable.._

Bucky sat still as (Y/N) tucked him into the blanket like a small child. It reminded him of when he and Steve were kids and Steve was bedridden. "Is this necessary, (Y/N)?" He squirmed around underneath the blanket. The material was even softer than it looked.. and he was a little cold. But being practically swaddled made him feel like a child. 

"Yes, it is extremely necessary. Stop moving!" She figured he was moving around more for show than purpose. He could more than easily rip the blanket off of him without a second thought. 

"I'm not moving!" He grunted, moving around a little more simply to provoke a reaction from her. It made a large smile cross her face. 

"You are moving! Just relax and let the power of my fuzzy blanket ease your mind," (Y/N) spoke with a ridiculous accent, placing her hand on his forehead to add to the eccentric persona she had adopted. Her actions didn't make him smile, but she could see in his eyes that he didn't mind. She daresay he even liked it. "Are you hungry? I don't recall you eating anything today." 

Bucky turned his whole body to look at (Y/N) before he answered her question. "I can take care of myself, (Y/N). It's not your job to baby me. You don't have to act like my Ma." 

"You don't _have_ to do everything on your own, James. I'm not babying you... I'm being your friend. All of my friends are 'babied'; hell, my nickname to this day is 'mother hen'. The maternal instinct in me is too strong to resist. So, you're going to sit here wrapped up in the blanket, I'm going to put on a movie, and then make us some food because I haven't eaten today either. And you will enjoy it, Bucky. That's an order, Sergeant!" Without another word (Y/N) was off the couch for the second time that night.

(Y/N) wasn't kidding. She had popped in one of her favorite movies and went to go make _"my world-famous bitchin' grilled cheese"_. They had eaten in silence, simply enjoying having another person to keep them company. Not long after they had finished eating, (Y/N) had fallen asleep curled up on the opposite end of the loveseat as Bucky. Bucky didn't sleep himself. He had perched himself on the arm of the loveseat after depositing the blanket on her. He watched her as she slept, taking in the rhythmic rise and fall of her body under the blanket. She looked peaceful... he longed to remember what that felt like. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all those who commented and/or left kudos! As always I love hearing from you guys! <3


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